First off; I don?t want to judge Adam Lanza?s parents; I don?t have insight, and if I did, I wouldn?t publish it. There is enough suffering for that family.
Here?s the Point: And it pops up from my clinical practice. Can Dads help reduce male violence (http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/enews/cv/enews-20121220.html)? As a child psychiatrist, I am not pro-father or pro-mother - but rather pro-child. And, in my opinion, divorce can still done better to encourage both parents to give their kids what they need.
The Intelligent?Divorce?Project has a simple premise. Divorce is often handled badly. For many reasons, kids can lose out. While, collaborative divorce and mediation have introduced some sanity into the divorce process, too often American divorce ends up with the estrangement of one parent - usually the father.
This is seldom desirable.
The Single Parent Dilemma: It?s very difficult for a mother to discipline a teenage son. This is something that I have seen from decades of work. Women can and do raise wonderful boys?and bring them to manhood, but if there?s a conflict - it?s tough.
A major reason is that a boy ? or young man ? will often see caving into his mother?s wishes as castrating. This is largely unconscious. It may not be right, but he hates his dependency ? and bridles at being reminded that Mom?s in control. This aggression requires containment, and some single mothers have no one to turn to. One can claim that this statement is culturally biased; that women are perfectly capable of raising healthy, non-violent young men. I agree, but it?s not the whole story.
Too many years of clinical experience argues for the need of both parents.
Healthy fathers (and male role models) can serve as an important buffer between a young man?s rage and expressing that rage. A normal, well intentioned, father?tells his son that men don?t hit women, or threaten them. The boy internalizes the father?s strength and it becomes his own. He takes pride in containing his anger ? in his own developing masculinity. This is the healthy outcome. It?s just tough to pull off as a single mom.
To be fair, some fathers are creeps and destructive.
In these cases most mothers are quite happy to have a distance. An abusive alcoholic father may cause much more harm than good, showing his son, by example, the legitimacy of bullying when frustrated. Or an embittered father can be so angry that he?ll encourage disrespect in the custodial home, as a way of getting back at his ex wife through their son. Those fathers are better off many miles away.
The Lanza Case lies so outside the norm that no one can ethically comment on what his dad could have done ? or if it would have made a difference. Probably, in retrospect, only the safety of an inpatient unit may have saved the day. In divorce, often one parent is making the decisions, which can undermine the team work required to get decent treatment. Once again, by and large, two parents are better than one.
Women?s Rights in Divorce: Over the past few decades many have fought for the rights of women. The rise of the feminist movement has brought about positive changes for both women and men. More women are in the workplace - and more men are interested in parenting. This is all to the good.
Women are more protected now-a-days. Domestic violence is taken seriously, and child support can sometimes be sequestered. It's a blessing that women are less vulnerable to manipulative fathers than in decades past. For instance, it's tougher and less accepted to hide wealth.
Fathers in Divorce: Fathers are more engaged now than ever; a huge change from twenty five years ago. In divorce, more fathers want to stay involved ? and fight for it. Yet, even today, for every mother who?s drifting out of her children?s lives post divorce, you will find many more minimally involved dads.
Some men are shallow?people? who just want out to start a new life with someone else. They see their kids without real enthusiasm, if at all.
And some dads are pushed out by mothers who want control of the kids, as well as the support that goes with it. Women are not by nature better people than men. They take advantage of the system just as men do. The results are that some controlling mothers successfully find ways to gain controlling custody and push the father out.
The term Parental Alienation Syndrome? was invented to speak about the most extreme cases where a mother or father actively poisons the kids against their ex spouse in order to gain control. This is a form of child abuse
Kids Need Both Parents: Men and women are different. Our physiology is different, and much more importantly, our psychology is different.
I?m not proposing that single-moms aren?t good enough; rather that they're often not enough.
When possible, children need both their mom and their dad.
Overcoming Power Struggles: Too often divorce provokes a terrible power struggle. The mother has rights and the father has rights ?But what about the children?s rights? The Intelligent Divorce Project advocates for those rights. This battle of ego (between the mom and dad) comes at the expense of the children?s health and happiness - and this is not okay!
Divorce is stressful and many parents regress. You are anxious?about money, about being exploited, about whether you will be lonely for years to come; or you are angry about betrayal or grieving?the loss of your family as you knew it.
Because of these pressures, some parents become more controlling, combative and manipulative. Often it?s all escalated by aggressive matrimonial attorneys. I counsel caution. Yes, it is good to protect yourself. But, also be careful not to make it worse than it has to be. An Intelligent Divorce saves money and often allows for a better outcome.
As adults we need to have the maturity to do what is best for our children. We need to accept that we cannot do it all alone. Once you have children, you are parents together forever, whether you like him or not; or whether you agree with her on everything or not.
We need fathers to become more active with their sons and daughters. Dads need to be more involved in child-rearing. Financial support counts, but emotional and moral support is the real gold.
Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201301/divorce-fathers-and-sons
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